The Dog

We sat quitely awaiting an evening of great entertainment: my mom, dad, Chris, Phil and...the dog. Well, she didn't wait to wreak her awesome havoc. The cheese tray went out and apparently she had to "check it" for poison as Phil said. She was just doing a taste test. I have to say I envy my dog. I envy all dogs. They don't know time. They live in the moment...something humans forget to do ALL the time. I am most guitly of this last indescretion. I do not live in the moment, but instead, relive the past everyday. Billy come to my mind (never my dreams) several times a day, and far too many to count. He is usually in the hospital, unfortunately. I can't get the image out of my head, but when I spend time with my dog, I am reminded of what time means. The moment, playing ball, eating, snuggling on the couch...those are the moments she lives in and is never disrupted by the future or the past. Although I have to leave her alone at times, she never holds a grudge. She cares about food, love and sleep in that order and with as much enthusiasm as a child with a new toy. I've written about her often because she reminds me of what I do not have: the abilit to live for now, in the present, at this moment. She does not let the stress (what stress could she possibly have! She's spoiled to death) of the day get in her way of having a great morning, afternoon and evening. Everyday is a good day for her. We need to learn the lessons of the dog. They can only help us heal ourselves, I swear!

What My Dog Looked Like As A Puppy

Grief to GO

I don't eat takeout food, fast food, or any food that has been processed, but I'll take a bag of grief to GO out of my life please. I'm on my way through the grief fest here. I've been in the process for over 2 years now and it subsides, then rears it's ugly fried head somedays. While we all lose loved ones over a lifetime, few of us lose the loves of our lives untill we are well into our golden years. Sorry to use the cliches. As an English teacher I should know better than to blog on the cliche, but hey man, it is what it is. What do I miss most: smells, tastes, touches, kisses in the morning and a whole host of other fast and furious emotions that are just not available to me anymore. I am totally numb somedays, but other days there is the sunlight and the smile my dog gives me at the end of a terrible day. But then fast grief, like fast food at a checkout stand...small order of fries, cheeseburger and a toy...turns to small order of tears, big memory and a frosty helping of laughter at a cool, sweet memory. I like that last part best, but it doesn't happen often.

School Daze

Oh man, Mondays are rough. The kids are tired, I'm tired, we are in the home stretch and I think the kids are done with school. I feel like there is SO much more to go, but some days, I'm also quite exhausted and just want the year to end as well. The weather is beautifully, thankfully, and I am truly grateful for nice weather. My mood shifts with the weather, which makes me think I have a bit of seasonal affective disorder. My friend Chris is always saying that his partner is much more "alive" and less depressed when the weather is nice and the sun is out.

Today, I am just plain out of it. I slept well, but somedays are better than others. I missed Billy a lot last night and yesterday. Sundays were our days. We spent them shopping and doing chores, which doesn't sound interesting, but chores with the one you love is actually kind of fun. Now I do everything alone and it's very depressing. Some days I just do not go to the supermarket and I try to subsist on whatever is left in my pantry. Also, we used to watch a Sunday night movie. I have not seen a whole movie since he died. I watch Law and Order and other shows about degenerates and killers. What have I become?

Cyberspace

I'm blogging for the first time. I suppose it's a kind of on-line journal. Some people say we are most honest in cyberspace; you can say anything to anyone about anything and so on and so forth, but really it could be quite private. I've thought about how blogs are used in other ways. I know that celebrities use blogs in annoying ways. I think I will use my blog for more personal reflections, fiction and non-fiction writing and ways to just get myself to keep writing. I used to write all the time, but since Billy died, I stopped reading and writing. It just sort of happened. I used to be an "intellectual." I don't mean that in an elitist way, but I used to read the most high-brow literature and then write in such a fashion, but now I can hardly put two sentences together. I'm hoping blogging will help me move forward and continue what I started before my life changed so drastically.

Another Day

The end of the weekend always makes me sad...and happy. It's a new week, new chance for new possibilites, but then another week without Billy. It's two years, 6 months and 10 days since I last saw him breath, so of course, I'm still thinking of him. I thought I would try a blog and see if that might help me heal more. I can't believe I'm still grieving so much, but there is a reason for it. FIfteen years with one person is half my life, so of course, there is so much more grieving to be done. I suppose I'll be sad forever, but I'm taking a writing class and hope that it makes it somewhat manageable. I'm also blogging to learn how to do it so I can create one with studetns. Should be interesting.